CollectiveInquiry

You’re both right… right?

May 30, 2012 by Fatimah

Pictures. Paintings. Music. What do these words have in common?

Each object or concept is one where every one walks away with a unique meaning. Most people would agree to this statement and respect another person’s right to interpretation.

Now, let’s shift this concept over to relational therapy (couples and families).

In my work with couples, I may ask each person to retell a problematic event or situation that occurred in the past week.

As each person takes their turn, I take careful note of how their partner is reacting. From non-verbals (rolling of eyes, crossing their eyes, stiffening the body, fidgety legs, smiling, nodding) to verbals (interrupting, name-calling), how the partner takes in the other’s side of the story provides very helpful information about how open they are to their partner’s perspective.

Once both are finished sharing, without fail one or the other looks to me to confirm that they are the “right” one, and their partner is the”wrong” one.

Needless to say, they are very disappointed when I tell them that they are both right. Truthfully, what actually happened does not matter as much as their perspective on what happened. Just like how two people take away different meanings from the same painting, it’s only natural that they would also have different views on an argument or event. However, it seems that this concept applied to relationships is much harder to swallow.

Differing perspectives can feel like an optical illusion: Do you see the faces or the vase? Or both?

Typically, when most of the couple’s energy is focused on “winning” or being “right,” they are both losing. Instead of recognizing that their partner has valid emotions and a perspective based on their worldview, as do they, they remain in a deadlock and do not move forward.

This pattern of not recognizing that others have their own realities can negatively impact many relationships. Looking back at my own relationships, I can think back to many times that either I, or the other person, have stated “You are wrong,” “That’s not what happened,” or “I didn’t do anything to make you feel that way.” When this happens, we are picturing things solely from our realities and not the other’s.

Without intending to, this reaction completely invalidates your loved one’s point of view. Effectively, it knocks out any chance to really hear what they have to say and feel. This leaves both parties frustrated, unheard, and could possibly lead to withdrawn behaviors.

If you find this happening, here are some suggestions:

When your partner is sharing, be very aware of the non-verbals you are sending. Is your body relaxed and open? Are you sitting defensively or making faces?
Pay attention to your tendencies to want to interrupt and interject your opinion or side of the story. Wait until your turn to show respect to your partner.
Attempt to listen without preparing comebacks in your mind.
Remember that what happened is typically less important than how your partner feels about what happened. If it’s an argument about needing help with the dishes, don’t get stuck in fighting over specifics and recognize the underlying message– perhaps your partner is trying to say that he/she needs more support or is feeling overwhelmed with tasks.
Stick to one thing at a time! It can take great effort to see things from another point of view. Start small.
Ask questions if you’re unsure, or summarize what your partner may be trying to say to show that you were listening and understand.

Above all, remember that the differences in our realities can be a very positive thing. It’s what creates richness, color, and meaning in our selves and relationships. Strive to learn from other perspectives and points-of-view, even if you do not agree with them.

While in this post, I mainly focused on couples, this concept can be applied to all kinds of relationships. What are your experiences with misunderstandings?