i had two hours of time to just think on the flight back home from kentucky over the holiday break. thoughts flitted between light and shadow, between peace and tension. i was literally in the space in between and felt caught between two worlds. i can’t possibly have both at once, not if i tried. nothing will replace your childhood home, your family, and the familiar roads. and yet, it is only by leaving it all behind that you can know this for certain.

i felt comfort in my family, in that i could slip right back into the jokes and the bickering. it was like i never left. but, i never doubted that it was the right time for me to have moved. sameness is safety, but it is not growth. at least for me. i knew that i would just fall back into old patterns and into the same supporting role i had started to lock myself into.

now, my new home is a little more settled in and it was mine to come back to as never before (i’ve never left on a visit and had a home away from home to return to). just as quickly as nyc seemed to vanish in my mind when i was in kentucky, the city lights sprawl out before me and beckon the part of me that never left. it’s startling, almost. how suddenly newness wears off– the routine settles me in and my footsteps seem to know the way. but still, i get lost and trip up. then i remember, it’s only been five months, and the shine of the “new” brightens.

more than anything, i know home is where your people are. and you can have many homes. you could be anywhere in the world, but still be lonely without those people to count on (whether present physically or emotionally). i always remember less of what i did or where i was and more about the relationships and memories that were formed. i am lucky to have a good start to a support network here in nyc on top of what already exists elsewhere.

and so to the new year, i say that i am ready for whatever it may bring. however daunting life can sometimes be, i both have the strength within and people beside me to help me through. there is a lot of pressure to come up with resolutions to try and be a newer and better version of yourself.  truthfully, you don’t have to go to great superficial lengths to do so. i think you already possess the strengths and skills of your best self. instead of operating with a deficit mindset (focusing on what you don’t have and/or weaknesses), take action and expose yourself to change, surround yourself with  loving and accepting people, and open yourself up to a necessary amount of solitude — you might start to hear your thoughts more clearly and see the truth of who you are and what you’re capable of.