{"id":852,"date":"2012-05-24T09:10:07","date_gmt":"2012-05-24T14:10:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/?p=852"},"modified":"2012-05-24T09:10:07","modified_gmt":"2012-05-24T14:10:07","slug":"derailed","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/?p=852","title":{"rendered":"Derailed"},"content":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was a hard day. I woke up with this impending sense of doom. A doom that I can best describe to you as a heavy black cloud that I knew would be following me around all day.<\/p>\n

I did my best to outrun this cloud. I really did. Unfortunately, I fell down a few times and got caught in the downpour. It hurt and I could feel that hurt in the very core of my being. I felt derailed…something that it is hard for me to admit to you and to myself.<\/p>\n

These days are rare for me and when I experience them I feel that I am at a loss for words. I suffer from some sort of mental paralysis. The plans that I have for the day go out the window. Every task that I attempt seems to crumble \u00a0right in front of me.<\/p>\n

I never know what to do when I am stuck under the black cloud so I just run as fast as I can. It always amazes me that when I am on the other side of the black cloud I look back and realize that I didn’t really reach out to anyone. For some reason, I cannot bring myself to reach out and let someone be with me…mostly because I do not want my cloud to reach over and engulf them as well. It’s a strange protective thing that I do. I shield others from my pain\/grief\/sadness\/hurt.<\/p>\n

At some point between last night and this morning the cloud went away. I don’t know how or why but it did. As I sit here and write this post I am grateful for that because I know all to well that this cloud is not a fleeting moment\/day for many people like mine usually is. There are people who wake up with a black cloud over their head more often than not.<\/p>\n

I recently read a memoir entitled Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness<\/a> by William Styron. To put it simply, it was eye opening. \u00a0I never before (in any course or therapy session) gained such insight into what it is like to live in chronic depression. The author’s account of his own experiences reminded me of the fact that not everyone can run as fast as I did yesterday…sometimes it is more like a desperate crawl. It is not because they do not want to sprint. It is because something<\/em> has enslaved them…<\/p>\n

“It is hopelessness even more than pain that crushes the soul.” -William Stryon<\/em><\/p>\n

We all suffer and struggle. Sometimes in different ways but we all do. What is important to remember is that we have not failed<\/em> in our derailment. There are people who realize this and want<\/em>\u00a0to run with you through the black heavy cloud. Allow them to do so to the best of your ability. We are not designed to go through life alone.\u00a0\"\"<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Yesterday was a hard day. I woke up with this impending sense of doom. A doom that I can best describe to you as a heavy black cloud that I knew would be following me around all day. I did my best to outrun this cloud. I really did. Unfortunately, I fell down a few times and got caught in Read more…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":10,"featured_media":858,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[47],"tags":[50,28,12],"coauthors":[16],"class_list":["post-852","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hangingon","tag-dont-give-up","tag-emotions","tag-inner-fight"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/05\/994577_66856714.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/852","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/10"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=852"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/852\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":958,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/852\/revisions\/958"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/858"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=852"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=852"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=852"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcoauthors&post=852"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}