Every time, \u00a0every closet, I have a stack of jeans that I am just so sure I will fit in again one day. That I’ll have an occasion for these ones or these ones (even the bell bottomed ones). As I unfolded the pairs, I\u00a0realized many things:<\/p>\n
![\"Spring](\"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/FullSizeRender-300x225.jpg\")
Spring Cleaning<\/p><\/div>\n
1. Superficially, I held on to my first favorite pair of “nice” jeans. They oddly represent this change into adulthood, of buying nicer things that lasted. Of finding that perfect pair after hours in the mall and feeling too short, too wide, too petite, too little or too much of something.\u00a0Each pair came to represent a distinct period in my life, bringing up memories and nostalgia the way a song of the past does. Truthfully, for much of my life I only wore skirts and pants for cultural reasons. Transitioning into pants and truly choosing my own clothing is a momentous memory for me and not something everyone will\u00a0understand. Though that’s far in my past, I don’t want to forget that it’s a part of me and was once a struggle\/cultural barrier that I overcame (that’s a whole other post).<\/p>\n
2. All that said, there is NO reason they should be taking up physical space anymore. I will NOT fit into them. Now into my late 20’s, my body and metabolism has taken a life of it’s own. \u00a0That stack of jeans became\u00a0a fear of growing into myself: a thicker, fuller, older, wiser (but not taller) woman. I\u00a0look into the mirror every day and oh so subtly change over time. \u00a0I know it’s happening, but it’s only when I see old pictures that I believe it. \u00a0Yet no longer fitting into clothing feels more sudden and unexpected. While I cherish and celebrate my mental and intellectual growth, physically changing is a little scarier. I have to acknowledge that however youthful I look, I can’t treat my body the way I used to. That I over time, whether with age or sheer happenings of life and illness, I won’t be able to do as much, as quickly.<\/p>\n
3. As I round out my late 20s, I am much more\u00a0aware of what it means to have one healthy body in this life time, enabling me to walk and run and do all the things. Still, I know that I take it for granted every single day. But, I have been working on\u00a0the skill of listening to what it’s telling me I need more of, even if I don’t always respond as I should. I’m going to bring this back to jeans and keep it real: I can’t fit into my current favorite pair.Instantly, my mind goes to negative thoughts about how I don’t exercise or eat well enough, which is not all true. Without wanting it to be this way,\u00a0pants have become a temperature check for weight and subconsciously dictate how I FEEL about that weight.<\/p>\n
4. But, maybe it’s not all about that— maybe this part of that growth I just talked about, and maybe I just need to buy new pants and\u00a0not hold on to the ones that aren’t making me feel great. This isn’t the metaphor part here,\u00a0I am literally talking about getting rid of those pants. And REALLY getting rid of them, not stacking them in the closet for the “one day that I will wear them again.” An article that has stuck with me is one where a woman in her final thoughts of life regretted how much time she spent lamenting or feeling bad about her body. I try to live by that and usually do, so out with the pants that test my will!<\/p>\n
Now that I’m to this part of my post, I had no idea I would have so much to say about jeans or pants. But, if I think about it, for me it’s also about letting go of: Friends\/people that create too much negative energy, thoughts and coping mechanisms that no longer make sense for the present,\u00a0complaints, life plans that need an overhaul, and whatever else I\u00a0try to force on myself\u00a0that is NO LONGER GOOD FOR ME. \u00a0It’s good to try and see if there’s a fix, to work on things and contemplate their benefits. But just as I\u00a0outgrow clothing, I outgrow people and habits and if I cling to them, I won’t make space for new ones or quality time for the great ones.<\/p>\n
Why do I keep things with tears or holes in them?<\/strong><\/p>\n I loved them so much I thought I would mend them later. I thought I would re-wear them.<\/p>\n Nope. Still there, with holes and tears. If I don’t have the commitment to fix it, I didn’t want it that badly.\u00a0\u00a0Out they go.<\/p>\n Why do I have so much STUFF?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n T-shirts from different events and schools. A weird amount of pillow cases. Boxes from different electronics. Do I really need to look at them all to feel like that represent success and abundance? As I threw out more and more things, I truly felt a weight lifted. I stood still for a moment and took stock of my own internal clutter; the negative thoughts and past memories that have become\u00a0deadweight. I envisioned tossing them out along with the clothing, breathing them out as I created space for spring. Every experience does have a purpose, especially the hard ones. But, some of them have had more than their fair share of time and space. It’s time to let them go. It’s time to welcome new experiences and mistakes and lessons.<\/p>\n Why didn’t I give it away sooner?<\/strong><\/p>\n Guilt. I felt guilt that I was hoarding warm or professional clothing that I no longer needed. Clothing that could have benefited someone else over the winter or for a job interview. Because I waited, it’s not as useful. \u00a0I have the privilege of holding on to things for memory or” just in case that I might want to wear that one day,” and I really took advantage of it. Note to self: Don’t wait until spring. If I\u00a0don’t need it, get rid of it or give it away. This will be a slow process, but I hope to get there.<\/p>\n Anything else?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n Old, new, worn, torn, I have gratitude for everything that has passed through my closet, for allowing my self-expression, for covering me, for being with me on my little ol’ journey.<\/p>\n Also, I need to attack my closet for a second round, because old habits die hard. And, I miss having my little sister hovering over my bags, snatching hand-me-downs. Miss you, sister(s)!<\/p>\n Happy Spring Cleaning! What’s in your closet?\u00a0<\/strong><\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It’s the first morning in a long time that I woke up and wanted\u00a0to fling my window wide open. As the sunshine filled the room, I didn’t dread the tasks before me: Laundry and grocery shopping. If you know how much I dislike laundry, you’ll understand that this is a special feeling. Before I could change my mind, I grabbed Read more…<\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":12,"featured_media":3412,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"footnotes":""},"categories":[41,114,78],"tags":[],"coauthors":[],"class_list":["post-3411","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-mindfulness-2","category-personal","category-self-2"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/03\/FullSizeRender.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3411","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/12"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3411"}],"version-history":[{"count":4,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3411\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3416,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3411\/revisions\/3416"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/3412"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3411"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3411"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3411"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/collectiveinquiry.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcoauthors&post=3411"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}